it all comes out in the end...

The funny part about people pretending to be what they aren't is that they think people believe it. somehow all the social contracts and niceties they play on disappear! no one would ever be talking about you behind your back! certainly not the dozens of people that you have talked about others behind their back with. certainly not those people who have already proven they are duplicitous. this is why I walk away. I understand people like that are not trustworthy, and not worth having around. I've learned to protect my peace.

The sad part is lying to yourself. The sad part is the repeated behavior with the expectation of change, when no change has ever been seen. the sad part is thinking you can bypass doing the hard work on yourself with parlor tricks. the sad part is knowing that eventually, the denial will slap you hard in your face and halt you in your tracks. the sad part is that's already happened, and trying it to handle it the same dysfunctional way you always have is why you are stuck and miserable.

I don't like it. I abhor suffering. but this is my lesson: to watch, and understand that this is what a grown ass autonomous adult chose. A grown adult chose to ignore reams of research around neuroplasticity and our ability to change. a grown adult knowingly chooses to lie so that they can stay comfortable and safe while others get harmed. a grown adult, who has more money than the vast majority of their peers will ever in their lifetime, or their families will ever have, chooses to prey on weak and struggling people when they have the money to buy whatever therapy and doctors and medicines they need to get their ass in gear.

The thing about humans is that we're here to learn and grow and transform and level up. The problem with wealthy people is that they're always comfortable and safe, and that combination makes them unlikely to change, grow, or better themselves. why would they? they have everything they need. so now we have this weird situation of extreme wealth inequality, and that wealth is in the hands of arrested development emotionally stunted MFers who have never known actual hardship but want you to feel bad for them being bullied in the third grade in a way they never got over and put that on the same level as you being abused in your marriage, but who would absolutely not hesitate to weaponize their privilege and use their money to take you down. they desperately want to fit in with everybody, but they won't hesitate to weaponize their privilege when it suits them. they did absolutely zero hard work to achieve their wealth and the cognitive dissonance burns, but they want you to think they're just like you! but don't piss them off, because they are happy to weaponize all of that entitlement and privilege when it suits them. but it's okay, you can put on that mask of philanthropy and benevolence, aka white supremacy and colonization and surround yourself with ignorant people who are happy to ignore all the garbage you come with so long as they have access to what you have. sounds pretty awful, sounds pretty lonely and empty. sounds like a life full of surface level connections, purchased achievement, and performance. The Show Must Go On! i guess? but people are bored and nobody's buying tickets anymore. probably because money can't buy creativity, advancement, development, or mastery. those only come through effort. but hey, keep picking other people's published works to pass off as your own in private classes, no one's the wiser if the author doesn't know right?

trust fund twinks are the worst kind of twinks. they really are.